Meat Sheet Star Wars Ranker Worst To Best
Star Wars Ranker. Meat Sheet Fanzine. There are many like it , this one is mine. Your editor, John Meat at one time used to put Star Wars content in the printed zine. However in the mid-90s I became disenchanted with Star Wars. George Lucas was remaking the original three. (A New Hope , ESB , and ROTJ)
Additionally Lucas releases the prequels in the late 90s so I focused on other topics. The prequels were like the black Metallica album. I was very excited to have new material but as time went on, just could not enjoy them. Metallica and Episode I through III. There are a few highlights in all three prequels as are there a few songs on the Black album I’ll tolerate, but for me they all don’t measure up to the classics. Consequently, this piece is a slight return to Meat Sheet #4 which features some Star Wars.
This ranker is not open for debate. This is just my opinion. So as a result here are my top seven Star Wars films of all time.
Before you read my take on the craziest sci fi franchise of all time, check out my post asking to buy, sell, and trade vintage Star Wars toys. https://meatsheetfanzine.com/e-web-cannon-plus-wanted-select-vintage-star-wars/
Moving along like Kenobi and his crew (those are the droids they were looking for) here are the movies that don’t even make the cut. I reckon for simplicity sake there are actually 12 total. I am not counting Mandalorian because it’s a series. Furthermore , there are one offs like the 80’s Ewoks movies, 1977 Holiday Special. Those technically are obscure and not really a part of the major franchise. As a result we will assume that Episodes I – IX , Solo , Rogue One, and Clone Wars are the major well known movies. I deem five of these unwatchable and choose to not recognize them at all. These may as well be fan fiction with C3P0 and R2D2 in them.
Episode I Phantom Menace. This movie has way more against it then it does going for itself but when it came out I was so happy to see something new that I thought it was adequate at that time. A few days after seeing it I realized it was just the real shiny polished turd. I had been had. The trailer looked good. I was totally dumbfounded. This was the beginning of the end in my eyes.
Jake Lloyd who played young Anakin and Jar Jar Binks together is a total on screen stinkfest.
Even though Liam Neeson and Ewan McGregor gave a good performance it couldn’t save this movie. In fact the only parts I enjoy to this day are the Podrace and Darth Maul. Episode 1 doesn’t feel like a Star Wars movie. It’s like a long commercial for Star Wars sponsored by Taco Bell.
Keeping with that theme. Episode VII , VIII , and IX also don’t feel like a Star Wars movie to me and therefore I don’t recognize episode I and VII through IX . Let’s address episode VII, VIII, IX
The Force Awakens. The Last Jedi. The Rise Of Skywalker
There are two stand alone problems that plague the last three episodes. Finn & Poe Dameron.
I am sure John Boyega AKA Finn is a really good actor but you wouldn’t know that in Force awakens. The same with Oscar Isaac – Poe Dameron.
Their sarcasm and attempts at humor comes off very fake. Any comic relief in episode VII, VIII , and IX feels out of place. Forced humor of Finn walking around shooting liquid from his medical suit, prank call by Poe, etc. Also the ability of Finn to just start wielding a lightsaber is just silly. Same with Rey, learns to use lightsaber and other force abilities in a fraction of the time the others in the entire franchise need to wield the same abilities. Rey is a good character but again not enough to save the movie. Also what the hell is that scene with the worm-like creatures, pirates, and Han Solo and Chewie? Whoever came up with that, did they even watch Star Wars ever ? They’re mentioning some King? I don’t even know what that was but I was just like yeah I just wasted my money.
Let’s not forget the Rebels destroyed two death stars and yet the Empire comes back this time with… a planet-sized Death Star. A five-year-old must have come up with that idea.
Anyway, if you like Force Awakens that’s your deal, but if I ever have to watch it again it’s under protest.
Force Awakens is bad but once you get to Last Jedi it gets even worse. You get more of the forced sarcasm and humor of Poe Dameron and Finn. Again Rey is good but at this point who cares? The fucking film opens with a prank call. I love prank calls and everything, but why in Last Jedi ?
Somehow, Princess Leia manages to get blasted out into space yet manages to fly back into the ship using the force, again a five-year-old’s idea.
Even Luke is wondering what he is doing in this movie. I’ll skip Rose, but again, acting that reminds me of kids playing with Star Wars action figures. Oh wait , that is actually the last scene of the Last Jedi. The next movies are ones that are acceptable although Episode II barely makes it. Luckily Jango , Boba , and Kenobi make up for the piss poor acting / love scenes.
Likewise, of the 12 movies, I forgot Clone Wars movie. Honestly I started to watch it and it was mediocre. The CGI series is good not great. There are Star Wars moments, easter eggs, etc, but on the other hand it’s not the caliber of say Empire Strikes Back, maybe something like Solo. The Clone Wars that I love was the cell animated series that aired on Cartoon Network. It contained the same type of action that you may find in the Mandalorian series.
#7 – Episode II Attack of the Clones
Of all of the numbered episodes and Star Wars stories this is the weakest one that I deem recognizable as a Star Wars movie. There are some key points that make this recognizable and that I do like. Anything with Jango Fett and Slave 1 and better make that Boba as well. There’s a reason why these guys are fan favorites they are great antagonist villains whatever you want to call them.
Slave One’s seismic charge is a winner.
Moving along, the rest of the sound effects in this movie are pretty cool. If the acting and directing matched the sound effect quality, Attack Of The Clones would be much better. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f2PDTVmcM9c
Wat Tambor’s voice box? Right out of a experimental robot song or something. The beasts like Reek and two others in the Geonosis Arena equal great audio. The Battle of Geonosis itself was pretty interesting to watch and kept my attention. Also Kenobi is a home run in this one. I love how he tells Anakin he’s going to go get a drink in the Cantina on Coruscant.
Hayden Christensen however, this is where the problems start. His acting is so poor (mostly the Padme love scenes) I don’t even recognize Jar Jar Binks as a problem. Is this due to directing ? Hayden Christiansen? I don’t know.
I reckon that he and Natalie Portman are really good at acting but not in Attack of the Clones. Their romance scenes really stink up the whole movie. It could have been done better, much better. What do you think? Do you think that’s how young people in love are ? Or did it come off as contrived and artificial one moment and then overly emotional the next ? Due to the action and the Fetts I could recognize this as a real Star Wars movie.
#6 – Solo : A Star Wars Story
Solo : A Star Wars Story is right in the middle between good and bad in my opinion. It feels just like a Star Wars spin-off story . That was probably the intent though, Star Wars stuff with some of the elements of the other movies, yet alternate timeline.
The acting is mediocre, slightly believable most times. I think young Lando was spot-on. That dude, Daniel Glover, nailed his mannerisms.
Young Solo is hit-and-miss. Sometimes it feels like a young Han Solo and sometimes not. I enjoyed the character of Qi’ra as well as Woody Harrelson and his crew. The Crimson Dawn Syndicate leader Dryden Vos was good. He seemed to be a believable addition to the Star Wars universe however the appearance of Darth Maul I find problematic. Maul should have never survived his battle with Kenobi or how about this, as a character arc. They could have killed him off differently or not at all but I digress. Solo is passable, but not great.
#5 – Episode III Revenge of the Sith
There’s some poor romance acting in this one (Anakin / Padme) but the action and the tie in with other Star Wars stories is enough to make up for any problems with Hayden Christensen and Natalie Portman. For instance the duel between Anakin and Kenobi is epic. The opening space battle over Coruscant is fun to watch. It’s not great but it’s entertaining. The reprise of the lightsaber duel between Kenobi, Anakin, and Dooku is short lived but cool. Any fans of Dooku are probably shattered from it but oh well. Some of the problems that pull this movie down? How effortlessly Palpatine takes out Jedis. More love scene like acting between Padme and Anakin. General Grievous is a bit unbelievable as a villian but whatever, it is sci -fi. Grievous is part of the Clone Wars, so we’re stuck with him until Episode III.
Conversely, Palaptine faces off against Windu, that is a key moment. (The Yoda scene vs. Palpatine as well.) Again these are entertaining to watch.
Actually witnessing Anakin go dark side completely in a split second decision. The story of Darth Plagueis is pretty fascinating too. And at the very end if you don’t know it already it definitely made me relate to Anakin’s torture. That is all I will say Revenge of the Sith is probably a 5 out of the 10. It’s right in the middle.
#4 – Rogue One : A Star Wars Story
This is a home run of a movie I could sing its praises all day. Most if not all of the acting is pretty credible and well done.
The cinematography and camera work feels like the older Star Wars movies.
The person(s) responsible have a great eye for photography and are able to tie it all into the Star Wars universe. The new planets and characters are spot on. Lah’mu, Wobani, Eadu and Scarif being my favorite. Jedha city is cool ,but like Jakku, you may think of Tattooine.
You actually get to see Imperial Prison Planet AKA Wobani. Eadu is a Rocky and rainy mystery when we see it but it’s totally cool how they do their typical Rebel sneaking around and then an air strike happens. We don’t know much except that planet is in the heart of imperial territory. The layout and design of Scarif is genius. they took an earthly tropical place and made it look like an alien planet where the Empire keeps all of its data. The planetary shield and battle is one of my favorites of all time second to The Return of the Jedi Death Star Battle over Endor. Jyn Erso, Galen Erso, Cassian Andor, and Saw Gerrera are so good. I got a sense of what each is about. Unlike Jar Jar and both incarnations of Anakin, they feel like credible characters.
Baze Malbus and Chirrut Imwe are another perfect pairing just like Chewie and Han.
You can tell Baze and Chirrut really love each other although they prod each other. The tie-in of kyber crystals and the CG rendition of Governor Tarkin AKA Grand Moff Tarkin was a nice twist. It did not bother me. I don’t know what people expect. Peter Cushing has been dead a long time. I think the CGI did it justice even with Princess Leia. Of course the ending and the tie-in that goes right into a New Hope is absolutely incredible.
#3 – Episode VI – Return of the Jedi
Before we get into ROTJ , never forget this gem of a parody. For me it never ages. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lu9gaK7Tl4o
Even though the Ewoks are considered lame by some.. I think ROTJ is a great movie. It can stand alone. By the time it closes, it wraps up original trilogy nicely. The Rebels win and Vader redeems himself. The opening, Jabba Palace rescue holds up for me even though I was probably 8 years old or so when I first viewed it. It’s full of action. The aliens and robots in Jabba’s palace and sail barge remind of how great the cantina scene from A New Hope are. These new additions take on their own life.
All in all there’s some slow moments and the Ewoks.. but watching Luke and seeing how far he has come as a Jedi? Very cool in that you can his progress. The battle of Endor in space and on the forest surface proved to be a battle I can still watch. ROTJ has more things I enjoy than the trivial things I don’t. Wedge Antilles and Lando’s heroism shines and references their appearances in previous two episodes.
In fact, Return Of The Jedi looks like Casablanca, Shawshank Redemption, or Gone With The Wind compared to Episodes VII – IX. Any attempt at humor doesn’t undermine the story.
#2 – Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back
The reason I choose Empire as the second best Star Wars movie is because of the cliffhanger ending. One could argue that this cliffhanger is why it’s good. The movie almost resolves because Luke is saved. As a result you are left wondering what is next and back then, the wait was at least two whole years to find out.
Additionally I didn’t want to have a tie but I think New Hope and Empire Strikes Back are probably right up on par with each other. I love the scenery/ cinematography from the snow planet Hoth to Dagobah to cloud city/ Bespin. In other words, the camera work and light play is in a class of its own. It’s a dark movie overall as far as subject but as far as visual light it’s constantly going into contrast between the two. Of course Boba Fett is badass. Hoth battle is edge of your seat action. The first time I saw it, I got antsy watching Luke escape the AT AT. ESB is nearly perfect. I think the more I go on, the more it dilutes its impact. Above all it is simply a fun film loaded with action and imagination.
#1 – Star Wars Episode IV – A New Hope
This one started it all. George Lucas may not have created what he had wanted , hence the Special Edition remakes. These so called flaws don’t seem like flaws to me. They add to the character of the film. Special Edition remakes did not have to happen. Additionally let us not forget all the people that helped inspire Lucas with the original trilogy. Especially A New Hope, ESB, and Return Of Jedi.
Joseph Campbell is one key figure. A specialist on religions and myths. However he was not religious.
Many of the ideas regarding the deeper philosophies of the force, Jedi, and Sith come from his insight that he imparted to George Lucas.
Of course there were the pirate swashbuckling movies and much more, but Joseph Campbell really helped to cement the backstories. Moreover the theme of ROTJ is basically a classic myth told over and over millennia. Many cultures deal with a similar story. If you want to cross reference, I recommend Campbell. Personally, Arjuna of the Bhagavad Gita ties in , somewhat. A tale of someone struggling with good vs. evil. Character goes evil, or they are torn and caught in the middle, and eventually seeks and or achieves redemption.
That is to say, we don’t need a pansexual Lando in original trilogy . Why ? Because the fucking story transcends cultural, religious, ALL genders, ALL races etc. It can literally speak to ANY sentient conscious human on a universal level. Which to me, forgive me, seems ALL inclusive.
That is the greatness of original Star Wars.
Much of the later stuff is simply not transcendent. It almost borders on or is straight up , if i may borrow Joe Campbell, “personal slop”
Putting those points aside A New Hope offers Mos Eisley and Cantina which is simply an iconic place. A random astronaut, Hammerhead, various Snaggletooth aliens etc.
Dr Evazan and Ponda Baba are rich. They would make a great spinoff. In fact the novel “Tales From Mos Eisley Cantina” goes into a story about them and other cantina regulars.
The original Death Star and Grand Moff Tarkin. Certainly a high point is Kenobi in his old age but still wielding masterful wisdom and power. Alec Guinness and Peter Cushing being real accomplished actors. I could go on. The farm boy who craves adventure. Classic concept. So many of us wanted to be Luke. Leia? A woman who fights and holds a royal title. As she grows, she eventually becomes a powerful military leader and Jedi. Again I’m sure many young little girls visualized themselves as Leia. If you find these statements to be exclusionary, it is not my intent and if there is any point I am ignoring than I am truly sorry.
However in the end, great stories, scripts, cinematography, are what matter the most in a film.
Star Wars Ranker conclusion. Even though nerds like me are arguing over trivial minutia with other nerds, these top movies, at least the best five or so contain true poetry. Poetry in the sense of a great story that you remember. As stated previously, these great stories transcend race, religion, genders, etc. It may take place a long time ago and in a galaxy far, far , away. However, they speak of human conditions that the many can relate to. By many I mean most people. Nerf Herders, moisture farmers, those like Padme who seek fairness, and simple men like Jango trying to make their way in the universe.