Milky, Silky, and Strange Emails
Wolf teats ? Port a potties ? The latest installment of correspondence and one not so out there email. Rarer than a Legless Bull test press. Seems to be skinscere. The rest ? Gong Show candidates. Look that up if you’re a youngun. Here is more of the same type of lunatic fringe email I receive https://meatsheetfanzine.com/stool-vinegar-sinister-alp-balboa-the-jail-bird-santa-wisconsin-scenester/
Hello I am Corey but call me Cord. My father named me after RipCord, his favorite GI JOE paratrooper. I am a 16 year old hardcore and punk music fan living on the border of Oregon and California. I’m pretty much sequestered as there are not too many kids like me into this stuff. The closest scene is probably Portland or Sacramento.
I enjoy your reviews and am considering starting my own label. I will call it Stark Man Records . I’m obsessed with Iron Man Marvel movies as one of the coolest guys in Phoenix, Oregon looks exactly like Robert Downey Jr.
He’s an adventurous, eccentric type and played me my first exposures to punk. From there I grabbed everything I could. Sometimes he plays me cassettes and lets me ride shotgun on his custom, souped up, street style dune buggy. He taught me you cannot judge a book by its cover.
Also with the right mods you can outrun most cars in a hot rod dune buggy. He doesn’t look like a guy that listens to anything remotely hardcore or punk. I continue to follow my own lead but enjoy hearing new energetic hardcore and punk. Thanks for bloggin yourself and sharing your views on these bands.
Dear Meat Sheet Editors,
Please allow me to introdust myself. My name is Howard “Milky” Wolftits and I operate a small, boutique music publicity company called (you guessed it!)
Milky Wolftits Promotions and Publicity.
I am reaching out to see if I could interest you in some of the soon-to-be-hot-shtuff musical acts I’ve been working with lately. Due to the covidion disease, times have been tough on both musical artists and talentless sleazebags such as myself who promote them. So please do your best to wedge some mentions of these hot ‘n’ horny musical cadres into the five-star writing many expect from the Meat Sheet. For the record, I’ve never read your publication, but I’m sure it’s just ducky!
And now, please allow me to turn you onto the musicians whose names will be on everyones’ lips and toes in 2022!!!
BOLOGNA IN REAL TIME
Barrelling outta Shinnecock, Long Island, this teenaged four-piece harkens back to the type of mustachioed Jazz-Fusion-Rock you’d cut a rug to down at the local Arthur Treecher’s after a serious “BONE SESSION”. Please give an ear to their latest single on the Bear Grease label, “A Light Through a Thicket of Pubes”
PORT-A-POTTY PETE PIPCROTCH
In the tradition of the rambling folk singers from the past, Port-A-Potty Pete Pipcrotch sets out across our country with nothing but the guitar he wears on his back and a serious case of IBS.
Due to this, he records his tunes in the many port-a-potties that dot the highways of the nation, giving them a very intimate and spicy feel. His latest release, The Many Splatters of Port-A-Potty Pete Pipcrotch can be found at the counter of many Sheetz locations.
PAINFUL ‘N’ CURLY
With all the uncertainty in our world today, we all long for a simpler time. Tarzana, California’s Painful ‘N’ Curly bring back the days of hair metallers such as Stryper, Poison and Black Vomit with their care-free sound and assless chaps. Please keep your eyes peeled for their debut LP
You Gotta Bitchen Chassis, May I Show You My Caboose?
THOSE GYMNASIUM FELLAS !
Lemme ask you something there Mr. Sassy-Molasses-Editor of the toppest rag in the southwest…Do you miss the days when real beefcakes made music? Then strap yourself in! Because Those Gymnasium Fellas! are prepared to ride you back to such a time when God and beefhanger shorts were the rule of the day.
Put a leg-warmer over your hog and check out some of their material scattered amongst the deep, fleshy crevices of the world wide web which include “Buttafucco (In Slacks)”, “Tonight, Let’s Celebrate Our Strength” and “Beefin’ Up!”.
All these tracks can be found on their most recent full-length, The Locker Room Oil Spill And The Case Of The Missing Leotard.
Once again, I hope you find something worthy in these a-hole scorching acts I present thou with. As stated above, things are getting desperate in my industry. I’ve taken a part-time job sucking the farts out of the seats of used wheelchairs, but I’m barely making “ENDS MEAT”.
I’m giving you the flank steak of today’s artists. The least you can do is make the gravy.
KAHPEESH?!?
Yours Fondlingly,
Howard “Milky” Wolftits
Johns Meaty, this is Lon Vonflousch. I have severely subtracted many of me beast froids because of their toofums and lack of cleanliness.
When a man nibbles fibers and it leaves fuertlicles upon the gumbies and toofums, it always brings a tear to me lenses.
I highly recommend the use of scattergories and it’s puritan form of cleanliness. You can take a deep dover into the brizzles and it will break filth upon filth into teency weency lil’ nubuals and with the strength of your suggin’ powder, you can rid they fangs and gumbies of lice and other forms of carbonature. So what do you say? Rid thy dice, abuse summ scattergories for moments of truth and excellence? Join me why don’t ya? Your’s in honesty and burlap ruins, Lon Vonflusch
Like James Brown says “Good God y’all” I need to start takin up a hobby. Maybe drinkin and druggin, At least I got a less crazier, normal email. Keep the faith, Cord. Hardcore and punk seem to be very alive , well , and good. To the other two? Wolf teats https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r76GJDP0uWQ and Von Flousch ? Like Arnold on Diff’rent Strokes Whatchoo talkin bout ?!